“IDS offers new contraceptive”

Flibbertigibbet News

Ian Duncan Smith is to offer a revolutionary new contraceptive to Britain’s poor. Despite the hefty ₤500 price tag, the “benefit cap” promises to reduce reproduction among the working-class.

In addition to its birth control properties, the “cap” can guarantee a lowering in obesity by significantly cutting incidents of eating. Housing costs will drop, as skinnier tenants will require smaller rental properties to match their slender frames. Even unemployment will be halved, as a malnourished population will only have the energy to job share.

A spokeswoman for the Department for Work and Pensions said: “The Secretary of State has been experimenting with a range of fertility control methods and the cap is easily the most pleasurable. You can’t expect the Coalition to simply pull out this far into Government and they are certainly not going to finish themselves off. Besides which, we enjoying screwing the public so much that abstinence…

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